Finding balance or losing balance....?

I guess it depends how you look at it. My plan for writing this post was to be positive and reflect on finding my balance....of course my mind went to thinking of the negative and wondering if I'm close to spiraling out of control. However, I quickly changed that thinking because there's no use feeling guilty for events I have the power to change. We do everything for a reason, whether we know what that reason is right now or not.

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Let's back up, these last few days were a lesson to keep my life simple. When I start adding too much to my plate and feeling like I'm going to lose my mind, I know it's time to step back and chill out. I recently chose to start a new job to make my life more fulfillling for myself and my family. This new job would allow me to be home more with my son and allow me to spend more time on myself. Being someone who has been very hardworking from an early age and caring for others, I felt I deserved this change. I was really inviting too much stress into my life. It was getting the best of me....I was taking my frustrations of the world out on my son and husband. They never deserve that, at least not most of the time. I didn't like the person all this extra stress was making me become.

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But, we can't completely get rid of stress. I mean, that is life isn't it? I wanted to minimize the stress for my own sake. I wanted to have not just the time, but the energy to put into the things that mattered most to me. Watching my son grow up has been so rewarding and so exhausting, but I wouldn't change it for anything! I do regret not being there more for him in the first 3 years of his life. I felt like my job consumed my life and I had to make my life work around my job.

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Then, I saw the opportunity to finally have some BALANCE. This is all I've been wanting since I had my son, the feeling of having time to do all the things that I felt were important to my well-being (referencing my mental, physical and emotional well-being). I know I NEED to make a living and I NEED to take care of my family....and along came the best solution that even involved taking care of ME. Enter, my new job working 2 days a week and the freedom to slow things down a bit and enjoy life. Don't get me wrong, who doesn't like extra money?! I kept my previous job to provide that extra money....at my own discretion that is.

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I feel I do this everytime. I say I'll cut back because it brings me too much stress and soon enough I find myself facing that evil monster again. That's what happened this past week, I put myself in the situation again and am now paying for it. I see how far I can push myself until I have no motivation to do anything. Why would I do this? For money? To pay off some debt? That's exactly it! I've told myself no amount of money is worth my happiness and energy! I remember back to the first few weeks I was working my new schedule and how at peace I felt that the stress was gone. So, I slowly start picking up more time at my other job and instantly the stress finds me. My sleep is horrible again, my mood is not so forgiving and I'm mentally exhausted. I still tried to get through the week sticking to my workouts and not letting my emotions control my appetite. I definitely had a better handle on things this time around, but that can't become the norm.

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Everything suffers when I'm not performing at my best. I almost let myself go the entire weekend but stopped feeling sorry for a situation I put myself into and got my shit together! I executed that workout much better than I thought I was going to....I was in the mindset of 'whatever, let's just get it over with.'

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The point is, I came alive again, that energy and adreniline I got from said workout set the tone for the rest of my day.....thank goodness it was for the better because I have a long 16-hr shift ahead of me! Now, I forget to mention my new gig is working 2 days a week, but 16-hr shifts. It's not bad at all. The environment makes all the difference. I am in LOVE with this new schedule but don't know why I feel like I have to spend so much time at my other job where a headache ensues as I'm driving up to the place. I have found that money can make problems go away, but it doesn't buy happiness. And, in my 32 years of life I've realized I want to be happy NOW. I want to enjoy my life NOW. I don't want to wait until I'm retired or have spent more time running further from my dreams. I'm committed to being the best mom, wife, daughter, friend, employee and ME I can be! Moral of this long post: Keep doing what makes you happy, not what you think WILL make you happy. :)